It's things like this...

Simple little things that really get me. Mike delivered a loaf of his famously delicious chocolate chip banana bread to the house yesterday. That simple act of kindness meant more to me than anything anyone has done for me in a long time. Thank you Mike! I mean that with all my heart!

Tony should be going home tomorrow. The doctors have done everything they are going to do. They say he has a few weeks. We shall see what happens.

I am finding it really hard to care about shit right now. Christmas is 5 days away and I don't care. I have sent out no cards, bought no gifts, nothing. I did take out more life insurance so that when I die Kody will be taken care of. I guess I still care about some stuff.

I feel like I need to say something, but it won't come out. I'm not sure what it is.

Cyndi Lauper - Sally's Pigeons

Storm Chasers

You have to be completely out of your mind to do it, but the rewards would be so worth it! I have always been fascinated with the fury of mother nature, tornadoes in particular. This video does not show as much as a lot of the other ones I have watched, but I find it incredibly intense nonetheless. It is one of the few videos capturing the mile wide E-F5 tornado that hit Greensburg, Kansas on May 4th, 2007. I had the honor of visiting Greensburg years ago while driving through to Dodge City.


I love this video. What kind of an idiot stands in his TRAILER and films a tornado through the window as it goes by. It should be noted this man was also struck by lightning and knocked out when one of his windows blew in. I guess it takes stupid people to get really great footage like this.


Finally right here at home, this is the surveillance camera footage from outside the high school in Caruthersville, Missouri. The footage shows the E-F3 tornado that hit on April 2, 2006.

Unfortunately, all three of these particular storms resulted in a loss of life. The dark side of my passion.

Black Christmas

Let me give you the rundown. It should be noted before I begin that my stepfather's oncologist has been delighted at how they were slowing the growth of his lung cancer and making sure it did not spread.

After complaining of stomach pain and a distended abdomen for a few days he went in to be seen. After running a battery of tests the doctor decided it was his gallbladder, and it needed to come out most likely. Wednesday Tony reports to Capital Region for what was supposed to be a simple outpatient surgery.

When a doctor actually took the time to look at Tony, they discovered his abdomen is riddled with cancer, which has also caused a massive infection because his intestines have basically collapsed. He is still in the hospital, and the doctors have said if he can beat the infection he will have anywhere from a few weeks up to a couple of months to live. If he could start on some kind of treatment, it may drag things out a few more months, however due to the surgery and infection, he can't even start treatment for 4 weeks. Talk about being over a fucking barrel.

So, I would like to take a moment to thank everyone on Tony's medical treatment team this past year. Your competence and confidence that the cancer had not spread has warmed my family's hearts this holiday season You have all done a bang up job, and I truly hope that they save a special spot for your miserable asses in HELL!

No song today, instead I think one of the greatest sequences in horror movie history sums up my current mood pretty well.

Watch this...

This is fucking cool!!

Weathering the storm

We survived the ice storm, as did all of you I hope. Being without electricity for two days really sucked, but oh well. I know there are still a lot of people without power (including my parents, who have found a warm place to hold up). My heart goes out to you. Apparently, my poor little hometown of Eldon was one of the hardest hit places in the state. Today, the governor declared it a disaster area. Sorry, it was a disaster long before this happened.

I want to see this movie.


This post was really kind of random. Why do I bother some days.

This woman scares the shit out of me, and I simply adore her for it!!!

Annie Lennox - No More I Love Yous

It's a good thing.

Thanks for showing me this Lexy! Everyone should take a few minutes to do THIS.

Old Friends

First off I would like to thank Kody for putting the Christmas tree back together and doing such a good job, and to tell him that I love him!
Tonight I was kinda forced into thinking about a subject that always sends me into a funk, that being the assorted friends I have had through my life. I think about them, wondering how they are, and if they ever wonder about me.
Tonight in particular I received a message on Myspace from one of my old friends giving me a new phone number seeing how she just moved to Illinois last month. She said it seemed like I was trying to forget my past and my past friends, and if I were that would be fine. She told me to just let her know if that was the way I felt and she would pass it on to everyone else that I was friends with in high school.
Of course this made me feel like a pile of shit. But at the same time, not really. I am not the same person I was in high school, but I miss the people from my childhood. I sent her a message letting her know that she could call me anytime, and that while we would most likely never be friends like we were in school, I would always care for her. I hope she realizes that when I say that, I mean it. In fact I feel that way about everyone I have ever been friends with. I carry you all with me all the time, even if our friendship ended badly, or we just grew apart. I think about you all, and care for you all for helping to make me the person I am, scary as that may be.
This of course gets me on a roll about my current friendships, and I wonder if we will always be friends? I hope so. While there is nothing I can do about the friendships that have drifted away, I can work hard to keep the ones I have strong. So to Lexy, Tony, Diane, Nick, Mike, Mary, and my beloved Kim, I just want to tell you I love you and you mean so much to me!
There, how was that for sappy! I think this song is fairly on the mark.

Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me

Rage

I love my Christmas tree. I take a hell of a lot of pride in putting it up and decorating it, and love sitting around it all lit up in the evening.
I had a really rough day today, and when I got home, I discovered the cats had systematically destroyed the tree. It was pretty bad. I took one look at the tree, then at the cats, and walked right upstairs and closed myself in the bedroom until Kody got home. I am pretty sure if I had stayed down there with the cats I would have killed them.....slowly.
Kody began putting things back together the best he could. I came down and helped for a few minutes, but found myself getting really angry again so came back upstairs, which is where I am right now. I am pretty sure the tree will not look right again this year unless I take down all the lights and start from scratch.
Perhaps I am overreacting. I get so pissed off sometimes. I get so uncompromisingly angry, everything is blanketed in a sea of red rage. It is stupid really. They are kittens, what should I expect. That being said, I am pretty sure they have experienced their last day of freedom until after Christmas. Starting tomorrow they will most likely spend the day while I am at work locked up in the laundry room, and if they are real good, they will live through the next month.

Oh Celine, through the beauty of your voice and the magic of my favorite holiday song please grant me the courage to face another day, the wisdom to forgive those who abuse my trust, the strength to do battle with my inner demons, and the restraint to not throw my cats in the dryer and roast their hairy little asses! Just kidding, I love my babies, just not tonight.

Celine Dion - O Holy Night

The Mist

Kody and I went to see The Mist tonight. Being derived from one of my very favorite Stephen King short stories, this was a must see for me.
I was not disappointed. The movie pretty much followed the story line the way Mr. King told it years ago. The end however was different. In the story we were not told the outcome, but left to fill in the blanks as we would like. The movie filled in the blank for us, and if I may say so in one of the most disturbing ways one could think of. After doing a little research, the movie ending apparently had the blessing of Mr. King before it was shot, but it just does not seem like his style. Anyway, the end left me feeling upset and disturbed. So I guess Mr. Darabont did his job. I liked the movie, liked it a lot in fact, but I liked the ending Mr. King allowed me to come up with on my own much better.

So you know, just in case you were wondering, Kody and I are not fighting, and are just fine. What was written on my blog was done so because at that moment it is how I felt, and that makes it's presence here justified, even if slightly unreasonable. As always, your comments and opinions are welcome

I guess since Thanksgiving is over, it is officially time to start celebrating Christmas. A bit early if you ask me, but hey who am I to argue with everyone. While this may not have come directly from the 80's, I'm sure none of you will question it's placement here. It rocks my face off!! Let the countdown to Christmas begin!!!!


Twisted Sister - Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Hi my name is..

Yeah, I am back from my hiatus once again. lets not go into details, you have heard it all before.

In case you were unaware, Kody and I have kitties now. The grey and white one is Trip (Kody's), and the orange and white one is Frodo (mine). They are shits, but we love them none the less.

Kody has really been going to town on his journal. I had no idea he had been updating so much. I especially enjoy the part about him being "chastised" about the many different ways the world will end all at once, not to mention my apparent hatred of all music with any social or moral meaning to it. Yep, enjoyed that one a lot.

I really have nothing to say. I should have waited till there was more. I will write again soon with something a little nicer.

Happy Birthday Kim! I missed calling you. I am really sorry!


Cyndi Lauper - All Through The Night

October

October 15th is Blog Action Day. This year's theme is Unite For The Environment. You are asked to blog on the 15th and discuss in some way shape or form the environment. Visit http://www.blogactionday.org/ if you want to know more!


Yes, it is October! October is my favorite month, and so far this year has not disappointed.
Lexy and Tony were married this past weekend. It was fantastic. I am so happy for both of you, and that you wanted to share your day and memories with Kody and I. All your hard work and planning paid off, and the ceremony and reception were perfect. Love you guys!

My mind working the way it does, I started thinking about Kim and how I missed her wedding. If only I could go back, that is one of the things I would change. I felt the same way when I attended Sara's wedding back in July. It's just not right, but my own fault nonetheless.

The big move is rapidly approaching! I reserved the U-Haul, and I believe all the utilities have been dealt with. Now it is just a matter of finishing up with the packing and getting this place squeaky clean, which I have not allowed a lot of time for unfortunately with work and everything else.

Tony seems to be getting past the cold he caught in Kansas slowly but surely. This is a relief!! I have been so worried about him. I am scared for him in general. So many things unknown, so many things left unsaid. I wish I understood why things like this have to happen. I guess I lived in a bubble for far to long. Grandma definitely popped that bubble. It is just to soon to deal with this again, and on such a grand scale.

I guess that is all I have for now. Now that it has started to cool down a little, get out there and enjoy Fall. Winter will be here all too soon! It makes me sad that Halloween is only one day, so lets start celebrating now shall we.....

Marilyn Manson - This Is Halloween (From The Nightmare Before Christmas)

What is wrong with you bitch?

One of the Three Divas has fallen ill. Kody noticed while looking in the tank that Miss Goldie had some red spots along her back and stomach and that her dorsal fin was laid back and deteriorating. After some online investigation Kody decided it was most likely hemorrhagic septicemia. I went to Petco and picked up a bottle of antibiotic. Hopefully after treating for seven days the issue will be resolved. Seeing how we do not have a hospital tank, my main concern now is Miss Goldie spreading her cooties to Miss Lucy, or God forbid Miss Bette.

Kody will be bringing some boxes home with him tonight, which means I can start packing tomorrow! Yay. I actually like to pack, it is the moving and unpacking of said boxes I really hate.

I think I have found a full size bed for the spare room. It makes me very happy to have a place other than the couch for people to sleep.

I have decided that I am going to do absolutely NOTHING today! I am in kind of a funky mood which actually started yesterday afternoon, plus I have been really stressed out and tired lately. My stepdad has been on my mind a lot, and also my grandma. I have not been sleeping well which is making matters worse. I am going to try to relax, take a deep breath, and get in a better place before this turns into something major.


Roxette - Dangerous

California stop

At least, that's what the police said. I got a ticket tonight. Failing to stop at a stop sign. It makes me really sad. I am not sure if I came to a complete stop or not because I was really tired, but I am guessing since the cop said I did not, that he must be right. Oh well it's only money and a shot at my dignity. Since nobody was hurt and it was a moving violation I can just pay the ticket and skip going to court.

I bought a new kitchen table today. It is nice. Kinda wish I had saved the money now, but such is life. I would have blown the money on something down the road if I had not fucked up tonight.

I hate Fergie. I mean I really hate the bitch! I bet her big girls don't cry ass would bawl like a baby if you pistol whipped her! Grrrrrr!!!!

When I got home I sat in the patio chair and it was wet. My ass was soaked.

Aren't I just the luckiest bitch that ever lived.


Rod Stewart - Some Guys Have All The Luck

A new home

Well, we officially have the townhouse on Ventura. We move in October 15th. I am excited, and at the same time dreading it. I hate moving. It is a HUGE pain in the ass (as I'm sure Lexy and Tony can tell you). Granted, it is like a mile from where we live now, and Kody has mentioned several times the possibility of renting a moving truck so everything can be condensed down into one load. That would be nice. Perhaps I will check into pricing.

Other than that my life is nothing more than work and sleep as of late. I am in the tangles of trying to quit smoking again. Right now it is not going so good.

I have nothing else. I hope to see everyone this weekend!


Madonna - True Blue

Where did they go, I miss them so, seems like it's been forever........

since they posted a fucking blog entry, ha ha ha. Just kidding. I am having Lexy and Tony withdrawals. We did not get to see them last weekend due to them moving into their new house, which is exciting!! Mix that with no new journal entries and you have a sad Ryan. Oh well, I know how moving is. I hope to see you two this weekend, as well as Mike and Mary!

Not much going on right now. We may be moving next month. I found a cute townhouse over by the mall. It has more room, and it allows pets! It is on Ventura, which I don't know a lot about. The area itself is mostly all townhouses and duplexes, but it is surrounded by some very nice houses, and I think it holds up with the general nice west end atmosphere. I will investigate this more.

I want to win the lottery, buy the house next door to Mike and Mary, and live happily ever after (or at least for a couple of years until they build their new house) with my animals. I would have another house in Colorado and spend half the time out there so I could see Kim and Nick more often. I really miss them! Just a random thought.

I want satellite! I am sick of Mediacom!!


Pat Benatar - We Belong

Kody has a blog.....

Yeah, like the title says, Kody has a new blog. You should check it out and link it to your site. It's pretty cool, even if he talks about the high def format war, ha ha ha.

This whore had it coming. God, I would love to do this to a couple of people!!!!


Still not much to talk about. Kody and I are going to dinner with Mike and Mary tonight, which should be fun! Other than that not much going on, so I guess I will wrap this up.


Billy Idol - Hot In The City(1987 Remix)

New look

I decided that this place needed a new look. I decided to cheer it up a little. Yeah, so here it is. Hope you like it.

Not a whole lot going on right now, so I am going to keep this brief. Remember, we need to coordinate on this BBQ business next weekend. It sounds like a lot fun!!

Let me leave you with a great one from the Queen of the 80's. She rocks my fucking face off!!!! Talk to you all soon!

Cyndi Lauper - My First Night Without You

Correction

To clarify something from my last journal entry, Brett did try to call prior to me writing that. The 17th to be exact. However it was not me being an asshole, because I just got the voicemail yesterday. My phone does that from time to time. So I was wrong on both counts. Just wanted to lay the facts out there. This changes nothing about the way I feel.

I want to give a big shout out to Mike who has been leaving some very wonderful comments on some of my posts. I have added him to the links section, so if you don't know him, stop on by and read what he has to say. Mike, I hope to see you and Mary soon. I miss you guys!!!!!!!

After watching the Erasure video from my last post, I find myself asking the question "what the hell is the lead singer wearing???" Now I am sure that question has been asked many times when it come to the subject of 80's apparel. It looks like he is wearing a mini skirt and tights, does it not?? Big queer bastard, ha ha ha.

Lexy, I was saddened to hear about the crap going on with you right now. That sucks hardcore!! I'm sure things will work out in the end. I love you lots, and am rooting for you!

Today's video is not only a celebration of a great song, but a celebration of one of the best Brat Pack movies.

John Parr - Man In Motion (St. Elmo's Fire)

Whats on my mind

Well, right now there are several things on my mind. None of them are particularly important, but I just feel like writing.

First of all, there is something I have been wanting to make mention of for a while now. Everyone I have talked to has given me the same advice, which is to just let it go and not say anything. I can't do that. As most of you know by now, Brett moved to Columbia recently. Even though we don't speak anymore (which is just as much my fault as it is his), I saw this as a good move for him, and a smart one at that since he works up there and gas is not exactly cheap. What I did not like was the fact that he called none of his friends to let them know. Apparently he tried calling me a couple of weeks ago to tell me about it. I doubt this since I have not spoken to him since well before I went to Colorado. Maybe he did, and I was being a bitch and did not answer my phone, who knows. It is certainly possible. Brett, whatever happened to our friendship, I will always care about you. You were my best friend for several years, and I will never forget that. I would still like to hear from you every once in a while, and I don't hate you, but what you did really fucking sucks! BIG TIME!

On to more pleasant things. I fell yesterday and hurt my leg. I peeled the skin off in a few places and now I have a really yucky looking bruise. The pain has eased up a little, which is a good thing. I have always had such a graceful manner.

I have not discussed Tony on here for a while, so here is an update on that. Nothing has changed really. He is on a new series of chemo, which is not as devastating as the first. His hair is growing back in, black instead of brown which I find kinda funny. The prognosis I think is still the same, so it is just a matter of time. How long remains unknown. If the doctors best case senario plays out, he may live to welcome 2008. They are planning on doing more scans soon, so we may have an update in the weeks to follow. I will keep you posted.

I am really uncomfortable in the fact that I have gained some weight. While I have already halted the spread of the unwanted pounds and lost some it, it makes me uncomfortable how easy it is to gain weight. Fucking ice cream!!!

This cracks me up!!!

EAT SHIT JESSICA!!!

I am thinking about maybe going to see Elton John next month in Columbia. Maybe not. Is that too gay?? I don't even like Elton John that well, at least not well enough to spend big bucks on a ticket. I really do want to go to a good concert soon. I would have enjoyed Alice Cooper at the State Fair, but alas it did not happen even though I had someone who would have went with me. Thanks for the offer Lexy! I have decided that next year I (and anyone else who would like to come along) am going to the State Fair, stumble around drunk all afternoon, then go to the concert that night. Maybe I will get really drunk and fall head first over the railing into one of the livestock exhibits and get a mouthful of shit! Fun times! You would not want to miss that would you??


I guess that is all I have for now. I will leave you with your little piece of 80's goodness. Talk with you all soon.


Erasure - Oh Lamour

Take me out to the movies

It takes an act of congress to get me into a movie theater these days, simply because there has not been a movie released for quite some time I have wanted to see. I did see Transformers, and I did enjoy it a lot, but it was Kody's prompting that got me to go. Before that, I don't remember the last movie I saw in the theater.
That is all about to change.

I have been hearing about this movie called Hatchet, which is supposed to be the triumphant return of the good old slasher movie. While supposedly being scary, it is also priding itself on being quite funny. It did very well at the Tribeca Film Festivle, and has been getting some good reviews. They also managed to gather some horror icons in Robert Englund, Tony Todd, and Kane Hodder (better known as Freddy Kruger, The Candyman, and Jason Vorhees) for the film.



Then of course, there is the issue of Halloween. I have blogged about this before, but now that it is getting so close, I thought I would mention it again. Of course I must go see it. Halloween is my favorite horror movie of all time! I am still struggling with this remake/reinvention/whatever the fuck you call it. But, like Kody told me, "you will either love it or hate it." This is true, but I can tell you right now that Rob Zombie (gag) will always play second string to what was done right the first time!



Later this year I will most likely go see The Golden Compass. I liked the book when I was younger, and the trailer looks pretty good, even if the very beginning leaves it with some rather large shoes to fill (which it unfortunately can't do). Nonetheless, it looks enjoyable.



I am intrigued with this movie, which to my knowledge still has no title. I saw the trailer at the theater before Transformers, and have been wondering ever since.



A little father down the road we have Diary of the Dead. Now, I am a BIG zombie fan, which makes Mr. George A. Romero one of my heroes. I loved Night, Dawn, and Day. Land was ok, but lets just say it was far from my favorite. Now we have this new one. I am going to keep an open mind here, even though it is supposed to happen parallel to Night of the Living Dead, yet set in mordern times which I find confusing. Anyway, when it comes out I will certanily sample it. No preview yet, but here is an interview with Mr. Romero.



Ok, last but not least, here is your dose of 80's bliss for the day!!!


Tpau - Heart And Soul

Remember when..

Lita Ford - Kiss Me Deadly




So, I am coming out of one of my countless solitary phases. I experience them from time to time, a stretch where I feel this deep need to be alone and to separate myself from people. This time it lasted a couple of weeks. I almost always use these to think, to evaluate, and to remember.

This time around I discovered a soundtrack to my life, and how I have always used different music to express different moods. I am not going to go into detail as it is somehow very personal to me. I also spent time evaluating family and friends. I made some decisions that really needed closure, as they were bothering me even though I acted very nonchalant about it.

I often feel unwanted, and feel like people don't really want me around. I have always dealt with this. I gave this some consideration, and I think it all boils down to my lack of self esteem. This is something I usually think about and something I have wanted to fix for a long time. I wish it were as easy as it reads here. Perhaps I will struggle with this forever. Perhaps I will always be waiting for my family and friends to leave.

I thought about music alot, not only the way I use it to express myself when I don't know what to say or do, but just music as I have experienced it. You know I love the 80's with a passion, but why does it stop there? Of course there is music I enjoy now, but not to the same level as the music of my early childhood. Could it be that music died with the birth of Seattle grunge? I hated this period of the early and mid 90's. The only exception here is The Smashing Pumpkins. They get the honor of being the ONLY group that I have loved this side of 1989. After grunge died, it was the late 90's that brought back pop. However it was truly gruesome, teenie bopper bullshit that made me want to rip my eyeballs out and eat them. the 2000's have brought us a lot of different stuff. Some of it has been good, some of it has been bad. To me, none of it has been great. How sad.

I am off to my Mom's house for dinner and a movie.

It's a little too hot!

Yeah, it's really a little too hot!
I was helping my cousin Tina move last week, and by the time I got home, I was sick. Nausea, dizziness, and fatigue along with the weird sensation that all the muscles in my face were very heavy sums it up pretty well. I thought about asking Kody to drive me to the hospital right before I passed out. I think I was suffering from heat exhaustion. At any rate, it was a little scary at the time. However, now it seems like every time I go outside into that fucking blast furnace I start feeling sick almost instantly with a headache and an uneasy stomach. Makes it hard to have a smoke, and really hard to get in the car after it has been sitting all day.

I have decided to include a fun music video with each journal entry from now on. Just a quick word of caution, most of them will be from the 80's cause that's the way I roll bitches!


Dire Straits - So Far Away

I guess that's all for now.

Ryan

A randon spray of this and that.

I know this is just so terribly 80's you could all shit, but this is for Kim. The words of the song do a pretty good job of telling her what I couldn't the morning I left without getting choked up.

I am proud of myself! I saved the tears for the car!

Speaking of my trip, I guess I should tell you all how it went.
I had a great time! The trip out there was typical. It took a lot longer than normal to get there, which kinda sucked. The time that I was there however was fantastic. Kim and Nick always do such a wonderful job of making me feel welcome in their home. I love and miss you guys so much, and can't wait to see you again! The week went by much to fast for me. Sara's wedding was beautiful, and everything went off (for the most part) without a hitch. The trip home was not the greatest. I drove with a hangover, which is never good. The car charger for my cell phone took a shit, and seeing how I was relying solely on it I was without a cell phone for the trip home, which really pissed me off. I cried off and on for like the first 5 hours of the trip, which did nothing for said hangover. I left around 10:30am Saturday morning, and arrived home at 5:00am Sunday morning. That is not good time by any stretch of the imagination.

An acquaintance of mine put in their notice at their job a few days ago. Curious as to what their plans were, I asked. They plan not only to live off welfare, but intend to sell drugs for extra money. All I could do was walk away. Words fail me.

Here's something I find particularly funny.


Micheala, I am sorry I did not call you on your birthday! I did not forget sweetie, just have way to much shit on my mind right now. I know that is not an excuse, so feel free to call me a huge butthead. I love you, and can't wait to take a ride with you.

I am smoking again for anyone who did not know. It started innocently enough, vowing to only smoke when I drank. Yeah that worked like a charm. So now I face the task of quitting once again. I am quite excited.

I guess I don't have anything else to talk about. Talk at ya later!

A few things before I hit the road....

I am leaving in the morning. I am still not all the way packed, which sucks really bad because I wanted to get everything packed and in the car tonight so in the morning it would be a quick shower and off we go. Maybe it will still work out that way.

I went to my dad's house today, and unfortunately had to deal with my stepmothers family. They are super religious, and felt the need to look down at me as they always do because 1 I don't go to church and 2 I am gay. They look at me like a bug, and have told me that I am a godless sinner for being a homosexual. If getting into heaven meant swallowing that bullshit then I would just as soon burn in hell. So fuck them and every other member of the Assembly of God faith for judging me. Hell will be so cozy with you there to keep me company.

Well, I will talk to you all in 2 weeks!!!!

Ryan

Getting Ready

So I am getting ready for my upcoming trip to Colorado. I am leaving this coming Friday the 6th. I am excited for several reasons. First, I get to see Kim and Nick. I have missed them so! Then of course, I am excited to just get the flying fuck out of Missouri for a few minutes. I am also excited about the drive out there. I love the chance to be alone and think and relax for 16 hours. Kansas in particular is a great place to just enjoy the open road and think, or enjoy an audio book. I love simple things like that.
Here's to going on vacation.....cheers!

For Micheala

Micheala sweetie this is for you, and for remembering a time before things got so bad and life got so goddamn hard. Smile!



I love you with all my heart!
RyRy

And Now She's Gone

This journal entry will no doubt get me laughed at. That's ok. I used to watch wrestling when I was a little kid. It was fun to watch, despite being horribly fake. One person in particular was my favorite. Her name was Sensational Sherri. I loved watching her! I watched every week, and had coutless tapes with matches that she appeared in. She became the only reason I watched. She was so over the top, you just could not help love her! I even got the chance to meet her once at a wrestling event back in 1990. She was so sweet to me. After she left wrestling, I stopped watching, and have not watched it for many years.

Saturday, I was browsing the internet and came across a news headline saying Sensational Sherri Martel dies at age 49. It hit me really hard for some reason, and I have not been able to shake the feeling all weekend. I cried. I am sad, sad over a person that I have not thought about in a long time. It is stupid really, but in some way I feel like a part of my childhood died with her.

So, I found this on youtube. There are a lot of them floating around, but I liked the song with this one the best. It is cheesy I know, but hey, I am not clever enough to make my own.



You can go ahead and laugh at me now, but please spare me some hurt feelings and do it behind my back.

Summer Kick Off

Hmm, so this weekend is pretty much the official kick off of Summer. In usual fashion, it has rained all weekend. Get out there and enjoy boys and girls.

Not much has been going on right now. I am trying to patch things up as best I can, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I do what I can when I can. I am hoping it is enough.

I am really tired tonight. I had a really long day at work, which followed a really long night last night. I need some sleep tonight.

That's all. This was not much of a post, but I needed to write something.

Ryan

Cyndi Lauper

I have always worshiped and adored her! From time to time however, hers is about the only music I listen to. Now is one of those times. I remember sitting in my cousin Tina's room as a little kid listening to her tapes in the mid to late 80's. Cyndi Lauper was one of her very favorites. She Bop, Money Changes Everything, Change of Heart, and Time After Time are embedded in some of the earlier memories of my childhood. I do love the music she is making now, and I do not mean to discriminate against it here with a lack of representation, but tonight it is about nostalgia! Take part in a stroll down memory lane with me will you?













Ahh, that was fun! She will be in concert next month in Chicago for her True Colors Tour along with a lot of other cool people. I would love the chance to go see her in concert! Who knows, I may grab a couple of those tickets. Not only would it be an AMAZING show, but it is also for a great cause! Check out the website at http://www.truecolorstour.com/

They broke the mold...

You can see the beginning and the end of this(if you like)by looking for it on youtube. The guys name is Alfred Lewis. The rest could not be embedded, for whatever reason. It is like this guy was channeling Bette. I am particuarly fond of the Joan bashing in the middle.



And since I am in the mood, one of my very favorite scenes out of all of her movies. Goddamn she was sick, lol!!!

Silence

When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken.

That very well known Cranberries lyric is scrawled on the bathroom wall of Paddy Malones, a local Irish pub here in town. It was that simple phrase, along with the drunk ramblings of myself and Lexy in said bathroom not so long ago that set this journal entry in motion. I intended on journaling the very next day, and I am glad now that I did not.

Last night, I had an unspeakable nightmare. I have not spoken of it till this very moment. My mother was in a car with my grandma. It was stuck in a swamp, and it was sinking. I was on the outside, trying to get them out. I remember at the end banging my fists on the windshield. My mom was on the other side, face pressed against the glass, crying and begging with me to help her. Her eyes were wild with terror and sadness. My grandma was right behind her, and she was laughing. I could hear the laughter over everything else. My mother went down with the car and the thing that looked like my grandma. I woke crying. This is not the first time I have had this kind of dream as of late. It has come in several different forms, but the bones of the story have always been the same.

So now I sit here, trying to make sense of everything, and trying to figure out how and why I have let everything get so bad.

I have been isolating myself from everyone. It seems that most of my closest relationships were the ones that I sacrificed.

I cut contact with my parents. I do not return my mom's calls despite the sadness in her voice, and have not seen her since Kristian left. I have not spoken to my dad since I purchased my new car.

Kody and I have grown distant. I have not spoken to him about any of this. The man whom I am sharing my life with will learn of my problems from a journal entry.

I have stopped calling my friend Kim, and have left emails unanswered.

I dug up old drama to separate myself with Brett. I have not answered phone calls or messages.

Why am I doing this? I don't know. I want to reach out so bad. I want everyone I love near me, but for some reason I can not deal with anyone. Everything people say pisses me off, hurts my feelings, or depresses me.

I have again stopped taking care of the apartment. I have stopped cleaning the fish tank. I have yet to put out my flowers. I am gaining weight. A few days ago, I had to force myself to brush my teeth. All the while however there has been a shell, an auto pilot Ryan if you will, carrying on with life. And while he has succeeded in convincing absolutely nobody that he is fine, he has got me through the past few months.

I did not write this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to even begin to explain my behavior. I just wanted to write, and why not kill several birds with one stone. Perhaps you have deemed me heartless or uncaring. I hope not. I think perhaps this is me about to explode with emotion that I have never properly expressed or dealt with.

Cutting people out of my life has been a horrible mistake on my part. I have been doing it with some of you for longer than others. I would imagine Kody and my parents have noticed it the longest. To everyone affected, for what it is worth I say I am sorry. I love you all so much, but am so trapped in my own shit ball that I have stopped showing it.

My abuse of the relationships that define me is disgusting. Perhaps the time has come to find an outside party to discuss things with. I think I should have asked for help a long time ago. I have never been as strong as I would like to fancy.
At the end of the day, I am the hypocrite at the end of my finger, and that really sucks.

So now you know.


Ryan

Halloween 2007

So, we are not talking about just any remake here. We are talking about the remake of one of my favorite movies of ALL time! I have loved Halloween since I first saw it when I was a little boy.
Let me first say that in general, I dislike remakes! I especially dislike remakes of movies that hold a special place in my heart. There have been a lot of remakes in the past couple of years, for example The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror, and The Hills Have Eyes. They were all ok movies, but none except for maybe the last was as good as the original(the original Hills Have Eyes kinda sucked.)
When I heard they were remaking Halloween, I was upset. When I found out Rob Zombie was doing it, I was really upset. Not that I have anything against him (I loved House of 1000 Corpses!), but it is sacred to me, and I did not want anyone to fuck it up. It would not be quite as bad as Uwe Boll remaking the original Star Wars Trilogy, but almost as unwelcome!
I have to say PERHAPS I am wrong. After viewing the trailer, I am kinda excited about seeing it. It will not be as good as the original, but maybe if I go in not comparing it, I will enjoy it. Watch the trailer and let me know what you think.

News

So this is not going to be so much a real post as a quick message to let everyone know I am doing ok. Shit sucks right now. A lot of longs days, trips to Eldon, headaches, and built up tension. Nonetheless, I am doing ok. It has been nice to see my stepbrother Kris, and I can tell Tony has been happy when we are all together.
I have had some complaints because I have not been in contact with everyone. People are hurt that I am talking to some people and not them. Well, all I can say is you can get over it. I am being selfish right now. I am taking as much me time as I can get (which is about none), and trying to avoid the drama at all costs. It does not mean I am mad at you, or I hate you, it means you were not there for me when I went through this with my Grandma, and I don't need you now. I have a lot of friends, and a few very good friends, a rare couple of which are like my family, and I have been out of contact with most of them. They all know I still love them. They don't need to be told. They know shit sucks right now, and I know they are there when I need them. So rest assured, I will not waste my time or energy blowing you right now. Sorry.

Ryan

This and that

So spring has arrived finally. I have mixed emotions about spring. I love the fact that the weather has warmed up, and I love the fact that all the spring flowers have come out, and the trees are blooming and the grass is getting green. I hate the fact that every year, due to all the above, my allergies go insane. I was hoping this year would be a little better since I quit smoking, but I was wrong.

Things have been going ok I guess. Kody and I (I really had nothing to do with it due to a little mental breakdown) figured out the house situation, and it is not as dire as I once believed. That wheel should begin to move forward in the next week or so.

I want a dog really bad. I am constantly going over to the animal shelter, and I always find a couple that I just fall in love with. Why do I torture myself!

Something funny, if not totally gross happened to me this weekend. Kody and I were going around doing our typical weekend off together stuff. One of our usual haunts on a Saturday evening is Hastings. So I park, we get out talking about this and that. I am not paying attention to where or what I am stepping out of the car into. I swing my legs out, and plop both sandal clad feet into an enormous pile of warm vomit. It splashed up on my legs, and got up in between my toes. I am happy to report that I myself did not throw up, even though stepping in it stirred up the smell. Kody found something in the car for me to clean myself off with (some tissue paper from the wine glasses I had bought earlier) and I was able to wash up. This has to be one of the grossest things that has happened to me. It also made me angry, really angry to step in someone else's puke like that. Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. Hope your not eating right now.

Both my snails died. I am not sure what happened to them. I will get more today perhaps. I guess that is all I have to talk about.

Ryan

Not much to tell

There is not a lot going on right now, at least nothing that anyone would be interested in.
I have buried myself in this whole house buying thing, perhaps to help take my mind off other things. I though it was going to be great, but turns out I can't afford shit. The more doors that are closed in my face, the sadder I get. I don't think we can afford to move, plain and simple, and it seems like somedays I am the only one who is trying to better our situation. Maybe someday I will have a home of my own.
You know, I don't feel like talking anymore right now.

Ryan

I stole this from Tony

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

To Kim, With Love, In Chinese

Not really. If I knew Chinese I might. I am sure there is a way to convert things you type into any language you want, but I don't feel that froggy this morning. Anyway, I love you Kim, and I hope to talk with you tomorrow!

Not much else going on today. Kody and I are expecting some company later on, so I have a little cleaning that I need to address. I am excited and hope tonight will be a lot of fun!

Diane and I went out last night and looked at some townhouses off Stadium Drive, and then some more south of town on Tanner Bridge Road. The ones off Stadium allow pets, which is one of the two main goals, but I have yet to find out the prices on them. The ones off Tanner Bridge were nicer, and the area was better(not crime wise just overall felt nicer), and the price was right! But I don't know if they allow pets or not. So I will have to do some investigating perhaps Monday.

I have been debating over the possibility of getting a new car. The one I have is just fine, and has been fixed since it was molested a few weeks back. However, my warranty has expired, and I loved my warranty. If I am going to trade it in, I need to do it soon so I still get some profit out of it. And I am going to be making car payments anyway, so why not on something I really want now. But then there is the question of what would I want. I have looked at a few things, but really have not searched to much. I know I want something with more leg room for the driver, and I was thinking about something two door or possibly even an SUV (a smaller one). So, I will keep you posted on that. If you have any recommendations as to what I might get, please feel free to offer them!!

It will be two weeks this coming Tuesday since I quit smoking. I am doing pretty good! I have not cheated once, and have not even really had the deep desire to do so. There have been a couple of bumps in the road, but with a little concentration, I was able to get past them. I wish I could report that I have also been in the best of moods, but I can't. Not smoking has left me on edge, and more than happy to twist your dirty little dog fucking dick right off!!! Sorry, but that is my frame of mind right now. They say that the worst of the withdrawals end after about three weeks, so just one more week to go!


Ryan

Lots Of $$$$$$$

So I got my income tax refund deposited into my checking account today. It was a most welcome addition! I just adore money. It is not that I have a passion for spending really, just a deep longing to collect lots of money. The thought of knowing I have money is great. It makes me feel safe.

This weekend was actually an eventful one. After work on Saturday, I went with my friend to look at a car in Folk, MO. Yeah, I had never heard of it either, but it is there. The car was a real piece of shit, as I tried to tell her a 1985 Chevy Celebrity would be, but some people have to learn things for themselves. I love her none the less, and it was a fun little trip.
When I got home, Kody and I headed to Warrensburg to visit Lexy and Tony. It is always good to see them, and it was so nice to finally get up there and see where they live. They have a great apartment(BIGGER THAN MINE & 2 BATHROOMS!), and I got to play some Wii with Lexy and Dawn. Tony had to step out, but hopefully he will be able to take part in some hot Wii action the next time! I had a great time, and want to go back very soon!

As far as the shit in my life, I am owning it right now.

I am missing my friend Kim really bad right now. I have not talked with her for a while. I think I will giver her a call tomorrow!

More to come soon about our upcoming move, and the possibility of a new car on the horizon!

Ryan

I Quit!

Yeah, as a few of you already know, I quit smoking on Tuesday. It has been kinda rocky in a few spots, but all in all it has not been to terrible. I was ready to quit. It happened suddenly, and I acted quickly. My new method of thinking is as long as I NEED a cig, I will be fine. I can NEED one all day long. That will go away with time. But right now the key is I don't WANT one. As long as I don't WANT one, I won't smoke. So lets hope that this works out!

I have also decided to quit with Soco for a while. I hardly ever go anymore, and that is fine. Now I think I am going to cut it out even more, for a while at least. Being up there, even with the smoking ban, was an uphill battle! I really NEEDED a cig the whole time. I have also decided to quit going because of the ever present drama that seems to surround the people I go with. Last night was no exception! Brett and Tim always have drama at Soco, and they always get drunk, if they can afford it. Even worse, are the way they treat each other when I am around, and the nasty shit they say to one another. Is it me? Am I the reason they fight like that? I am sick of the drama, the financial expectations, the rudeness, and when I decide to get drunk, nobody has to deal with me, why should I have to deal with others. Last night should have been fun. It should have been a chance for me to step out of the shit in my life right now and just have a good time. Instead, all I get to deal with is drama. Thanks to all for a marvelous evening!

That may have come out a little bitchier than I wanted, but it is what is on my mind. Brett and Tim are both my friends. Brett is one of my best friends! All I am saying is some people have an awful lot of nerve saying and doing some of the shit they do, and some pretty big balls if they want to call me out on something I wrote above.

Tony had his first round of chemo yesterday. After having an allergic reaction at first, everything seemed to go ok. He will have 3 more treatments after this one (if the doctors see any improvement after the first set of labs come back, otherwise Tony is going to opt out of chemo and just deal with controlling the pain.)

More to come soon.

Ryan

Here Comes March!

This entry has the honor of being my first post to my new journal. Now I know what your thinking. How many fucking times is this idiot going to start a journal, then shut it down when he gets tired of it? Well, I guess as many times as it takes!
Honestly, I feel like this is important because I have a lot to talk about right now, and know that there will be a lot to talk about in the future, and there is something somehow unappealing about the blog on Myspace. In truth, I am quite sick of Myspace. Surprise, that did not take very long!
I have a great deal to talk about, but we are going to save most of it for later posts. I do want to discuss the shitty weather we are supposed to have (actually it has already started for the western parts of the state). It seems like it starts a little earlier every year. From what everyone is saying, it is going to be a long night tonight. I am planning on staying up and monitoring things as they gradually move closer to us. I still think I should be a meteorologist.
Tony starts chemo tomorrow, so I will fill you in on that a little more after it has happened.
So for now, goodnight! I hope you all stay safe tonight, and come back often and read what I have to say!!

Ryan