Remember when..

Lita Ford - Kiss Me Deadly




So, I am coming out of one of my countless solitary phases. I experience them from time to time, a stretch where I feel this deep need to be alone and to separate myself from people. This time it lasted a couple of weeks. I almost always use these to think, to evaluate, and to remember.

This time around I discovered a soundtrack to my life, and how I have always used different music to express different moods. I am not going to go into detail as it is somehow very personal to me. I also spent time evaluating family and friends. I made some decisions that really needed closure, as they were bothering me even though I acted very nonchalant about it.

I often feel unwanted, and feel like people don't really want me around. I have always dealt with this. I gave this some consideration, and I think it all boils down to my lack of self esteem. This is something I usually think about and something I have wanted to fix for a long time. I wish it were as easy as it reads here. Perhaps I will struggle with this forever. Perhaps I will always be waiting for my family and friends to leave.

I thought about music alot, not only the way I use it to express myself when I don't know what to say or do, but just music as I have experienced it. You know I love the 80's with a passion, but why does it stop there? Of course there is music I enjoy now, but not to the same level as the music of my early childhood. Could it be that music died with the birth of Seattle grunge? I hated this period of the early and mid 90's. The only exception here is The Smashing Pumpkins. They get the honor of being the ONLY group that I have loved this side of 1989. After grunge died, it was the late 90's that brought back pop. However it was truly gruesome, teenie bopper bullshit that made me want to rip my eyeballs out and eat them. the 2000's have brought us a lot of different stuff. Some of it has been good, some of it has been bad. To me, none of it has been great. How sad.

I am off to my Mom's house for dinner and a movie.

It's a little too hot!

Yeah, it's really a little too hot!
I was helping my cousin Tina move last week, and by the time I got home, I was sick. Nausea, dizziness, and fatigue along with the weird sensation that all the muscles in my face were very heavy sums it up pretty well. I thought about asking Kody to drive me to the hospital right before I passed out. I think I was suffering from heat exhaustion. At any rate, it was a little scary at the time. However, now it seems like every time I go outside into that fucking blast furnace I start feeling sick almost instantly with a headache and an uneasy stomach. Makes it hard to have a smoke, and really hard to get in the car after it has been sitting all day.

I have decided to include a fun music video with each journal entry from now on. Just a quick word of caution, most of them will be from the 80's cause that's the way I roll bitches!


Dire Straits - So Far Away

I guess that's all for now.

Ryan

A randon spray of this and that.

I know this is just so terribly 80's you could all shit, but this is for Kim. The words of the song do a pretty good job of telling her what I couldn't the morning I left without getting choked up.

I am proud of myself! I saved the tears for the car!

Speaking of my trip, I guess I should tell you all how it went.
I had a great time! The trip out there was typical. It took a lot longer than normal to get there, which kinda sucked. The time that I was there however was fantastic. Kim and Nick always do such a wonderful job of making me feel welcome in their home. I love and miss you guys so much, and can't wait to see you again! The week went by much to fast for me. Sara's wedding was beautiful, and everything went off (for the most part) without a hitch. The trip home was not the greatest. I drove with a hangover, which is never good. The car charger for my cell phone took a shit, and seeing how I was relying solely on it I was without a cell phone for the trip home, which really pissed me off. I cried off and on for like the first 5 hours of the trip, which did nothing for said hangover. I left around 10:30am Saturday morning, and arrived home at 5:00am Sunday morning. That is not good time by any stretch of the imagination.

An acquaintance of mine put in their notice at their job a few days ago. Curious as to what their plans were, I asked. They plan not only to live off welfare, but intend to sell drugs for extra money. All I could do was walk away. Words fail me.

Here's something I find particularly funny.


Micheala, I am sorry I did not call you on your birthday! I did not forget sweetie, just have way to much shit on my mind right now. I know that is not an excuse, so feel free to call me a huge butthead. I love you, and can't wait to take a ride with you.

I am smoking again for anyone who did not know. It started innocently enough, vowing to only smoke when I drank. Yeah that worked like a charm. So now I face the task of quitting once again. I am quite excited.

I guess I don't have anything else to talk about. Talk at ya later!

A few things before I hit the road....

I am leaving in the morning. I am still not all the way packed, which sucks really bad because I wanted to get everything packed and in the car tonight so in the morning it would be a quick shower and off we go. Maybe it will still work out that way.

I went to my dad's house today, and unfortunately had to deal with my stepmothers family. They are super religious, and felt the need to look down at me as they always do because 1 I don't go to church and 2 I am gay. They look at me like a bug, and have told me that I am a godless sinner for being a homosexual. If getting into heaven meant swallowing that bullshit then I would just as soon burn in hell. So fuck them and every other member of the Assembly of God faith for judging me. Hell will be so cozy with you there to keep me company.

Well, I will talk to you all in 2 weeks!!!!

Ryan

Getting Ready

So I am getting ready for my upcoming trip to Colorado. I am leaving this coming Friday the 6th. I am excited for several reasons. First, I get to see Kim and Nick. I have missed them so! Then of course, I am excited to just get the flying fuck out of Missouri for a few minutes. I am also excited about the drive out there. I love the chance to be alone and think and relax for 16 hours. Kansas in particular is a great place to just enjoy the open road and think, or enjoy an audio book. I love simple things like that.
Here's to going on vacation.....cheers!

For Micheala

Micheala sweetie this is for you, and for remembering a time before things got so bad and life got so goddamn hard. Smile!



I love you with all my heart!
RyRy

And Now She's Gone

This journal entry will no doubt get me laughed at. That's ok. I used to watch wrestling when I was a little kid. It was fun to watch, despite being horribly fake. One person in particular was my favorite. Her name was Sensational Sherri. I loved watching her! I watched every week, and had coutless tapes with matches that she appeared in. She became the only reason I watched. She was so over the top, you just could not help love her! I even got the chance to meet her once at a wrestling event back in 1990. She was so sweet to me. After she left wrestling, I stopped watching, and have not watched it for many years.

Saturday, I was browsing the internet and came across a news headline saying Sensational Sherri Martel dies at age 49. It hit me really hard for some reason, and I have not been able to shake the feeling all weekend. I cried. I am sad, sad over a person that I have not thought about in a long time. It is stupid really, but in some way I feel like a part of my childhood died with her.

So, I found this on youtube. There are a lot of them floating around, but I liked the song with this one the best. It is cheesy I know, but hey, I am not clever enough to make my own.



You can go ahead and laugh at me now, but please spare me some hurt feelings and do it behind my back.