Getting Ready

So I am getting ready for my upcoming trip to Colorado. I am leaving this coming Friday the 6th. I am excited for several reasons. First, I get to see Kim and Nick. I have missed them so! Then of course, I am excited to just get the flying fuck out of Missouri for a few minutes. I am also excited about the drive out there. I love the chance to be alone and think and relax for 16 hours. Kansas in particular is a great place to just enjoy the open road and think, or enjoy an audio book. I love simple things like that.
Here's to going on vacation.....cheers!

For Micheala

Micheala sweetie this is for you, and for remembering a time before things got so bad and life got so goddamn hard. Smile!



I love you with all my heart!
RyRy

And Now She's Gone

This journal entry will no doubt get me laughed at. That's ok. I used to watch wrestling when I was a little kid. It was fun to watch, despite being horribly fake. One person in particular was my favorite. Her name was Sensational Sherri. I loved watching her! I watched every week, and had coutless tapes with matches that she appeared in. She became the only reason I watched. She was so over the top, you just could not help love her! I even got the chance to meet her once at a wrestling event back in 1990. She was so sweet to me. After she left wrestling, I stopped watching, and have not watched it for many years.

Saturday, I was browsing the internet and came across a news headline saying Sensational Sherri Martel dies at age 49. It hit me really hard for some reason, and I have not been able to shake the feeling all weekend. I cried. I am sad, sad over a person that I have not thought about in a long time. It is stupid really, but in some way I feel like a part of my childhood died with her.

So, I found this on youtube. There are a lot of them floating around, but I liked the song with this one the best. It is cheesy I know, but hey, I am not clever enough to make my own.



You can go ahead and laugh at me now, but please spare me some hurt feelings and do it behind my back.

Summer Kick Off

Hmm, so this weekend is pretty much the official kick off of Summer. In usual fashion, it has rained all weekend. Get out there and enjoy boys and girls.

Not much has been going on right now. I am trying to patch things up as best I can, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I do what I can when I can. I am hoping it is enough.

I am really tired tonight. I had a really long day at work, which followed a really long night last night. I need some sleep tonight.

That's all. This was not much of a post, but I needed to write something.

Ryan

Cyndi Lauper

I have always worshiped and adored her! From time to time however, hers is about the only music I listen to. Now is one of those times. I remember sitting in my cousin Tina's room as a little kid listening to her tapes in the mid to late 80's. Cyndi Lauper was one of her very favorites. She Bop, Money Changes Everything, Change of Heart, and Time After Time are embedded in some of the earlier memories of my childhood. I do love the music she is making now, and I do not mean to discriminate against it here with a lack of representation, but tonight it is about nostalgia! Take part in a stroll down memory lane with me will you?













Ahh, that was fun! She will be in concert next month in Chicago for her True Colors Tour along with a lot of other cool people. I would love the chance to go see her in concert! Who knows, I may grab a couple of those tickets. Not only would it be an AMAZING show, but it is also for a great cause! Check out the website at http://www.truecolorstour.com/

They broke the mold...

You can see the beginning and the end of this(if you like)by looking for it on youtube. The guys name is Alfred Lewis. The rest could not be embedded, for whatever reason. It is like this guy was channeling Bette. I am particuarly fond of the Joan bashing in the middle.



And since I am in the mood, one of my very favorite scenes out of all of her movies. Goddamn she was sick, lol!!!

Silence

When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken.

That very well known Cranberries lyric is scrawled on the bathroom wall of Paddy Malones, a local Irish pub here in town. It was that simple phrase, along with the drunk ramblings of myself and Lexy in said bathroom not so long ago that set this journal entry in motion. I intended on journaling the very next day, and I am glad now that I did not.

Last night, I had an unspeakable nightmare. I have not spoken of it till this very moment. My mother was in a car with my grandma. It was stuck in a swamp, and it was sinking. I was on the outside, trying to get them out. I remember at the end banging my fists on the windshield. My mom was on the other side, face pressed against the glass, crying and begging with me to help her. Her eyes were wild with terror and sadness. My grandma was right behind her, and she was laughing. I could hear the laughter over everything else. My mother went down with the car and the thing that looked like my grandma. I woke crying. This is not the first time I have had this kind of dream as of late. It has come in several different forms, but the bones of the story have always been the same.

So now I sit here, trying to make sense of everything, and trying to figure out how and why I have let everything get so bad.

I have been isolating myself from everyone. It seems that most of my closest relationships were the ones that I sacrificed.

I cut contact with my parents. I do not return my mom's calls despite the sadness in her voice, and have not seen her since Kristian left. I have not spoken to my dad since I purchased my new car.

Kody and I have grown distant. I have not spoken to him about any of this. The man whom I am sharing my life with will learn of my problems from a journal entry.

I have stopped calling my friend Kim, and have left emails unanswered.

I dug up old drama to separate myself with Brett. I have not answered phone calls or messages.

Why am I doing this? I don't know. I want to reach out so bad. I want everyone I love near me, but for some reason I can not deal with anyone. Everything people say pisses me off, hurts my feelings, or depresses me.

I have again stopped taking care of the apartment. I have stopped cleaning the fish tank. I have yet to put out my flowers. I am gaining weight. A few days ago, I had to force myself to brush my teeth. All the while however there has been a shell, an auto pilot Ryan if you will, carrying on with life. And while he has succeeded in convincing absolutely nobody that he is fine, he has got me through the past few months.

I did not write this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to even begin to explain my behavior. I just wanted to write, and why not kill several birds with one stone. Perhaps you have deemed me heartless or uncaring. I hope not. I think perhaps this is me about to explode with emotion that I have never properly expressed or dealt with.

Cutting people out of my life has been a horrible mistake on my part. I have been doing it with some of you for longer than others. I would imagine Kody and my parents have noticed it the longest. To everyone affected, for what it is worth I say I am sorry. I love you all so much, but am so trapped in my own shit ball that I have stopped showing it.

My abuse of the relationships that define me is disgusting. Perhaps the time has come to find an outside party to discuss things with. I think I should have asked for help a long time ago. I have never been as strong as I would like to fancy.
At the end of the day, I am the hypocrite at the end of my finger, and that really sucks.

So now you know.


Ryan