Silence

When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken.

That very well known Cranberries lyric is scrawled on the bathroom wall of Paddy Malones, a local Irish pub here in town. It was that simple phrase, along with the drunk ramblings of myself and Lexy in said bathroom not so long ago that set this journal entry in motion. I intended on journaling the very next day, and I am glad now that I did not.

Last night, I had an unspeakable nightmare. I have not spoken of it till this very moment. My mother was in a car with my grandma. It was stuck in a swamp, and it was sinking. I was on the outside, trying to get them out. I remember at the end banging my fists on the windshield. My mom was on the other side, face pressed against the glass, crying and begging with me to help her. Her eyes were wild with terror and sadness. My grandma was right behind her, and she was laughing. I could hear the laughter over everything else. My mother went down with the car and the thing that looked like my grandma. I woke crying. This is not the first time I have had this kind of dream as of late. It has come in several different forms, but the bones of the story have always been the same.

So now I sit here, trying to make sense of everything, and trying to figure out how and why I have let everything get so bad.

I have been isolating myself from everyone. It seems that most of my closest relationships were the ones that I sacrificed.

I cut contact with my parents. I do not return my mom's calls despite the sadness in her voice, and have not seen her since Kristian left. I have not spoken to my dad since I purchased my new car.

Kody and I have grown distant. I have not spoken to him about any of this. The man whom I am sharing my life with will learn of my problems from a journal entry.

I have stopped calling my friend Kim, and have left emails unanswered.

I dug up old drama to separate myself with Brett. I have not answered phone calls or messages.

Why am I doing this? I don't know. I want to reach out so bad. I want everyone I love near me, but for some reason I can not deal with anyone. Everything people say pisses me off, hurts my feelings, or depresses me.

I have again stopped taking care of the apartment. I have stopped cleaning the fish tank. I have yet to put out my flowers. I am gaining weight. A few days ago, I had to force myself to brush my teeth. All the while however there has been a shell, an auto pilot Ryan if you will, carrying on with life. And while he has succeeded in convincing absolutely nobody that he is fine, he has got me through the past few months.

I did not write this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to even begin to explain my behavior. I just wanted to write, and why not kill several birds with one stone. Perhaps you have deemed me heartless or uncaring. I hope not. I think perhaps this is me about to explode with emotion that I have never properly expressed or dealt with.

Cutting people out of my life has been a horrible mistake on my part. I have been doing it with some of you for longer than others. I would imagine Kody and my parents have noticed it the longest. To everyone affected, for what it is worth I say I am sorry. I love you all so much, but am so trapped in my own shit ball that I have stopped showing it.

My abuse of the relationships that define me is disgusting. Perhaps the time has come to find an outside party to discuss things with. I think I should have asked for help a long time ago. I have never been as strong as I would like to fancy.
At the end of the day, I am the hypocrite at the end of my finger, and that really sucks.

So now you know.


Ryan