Monday, August 13, 2007
Remember when..
Lita Ford - Kiss Me Deadly
So, I am coming out of one of my countless solitary phases. I experience them from time to time, a stretch where I feel this deep need to be alone and to separate myself from people. This time it lasted a couple of weeks. I almost always use these to think, to evaluate, and to remember.
This time around I discovered a soundtrack to my life, and how I have always used different music to express different moods. I am not going to go into detail as it is somehow very personal to me. I also spent time evaluating family and friends. I made some decisions that really needed closure, as they were bothering me even though I acted very nonchalant about it.
I often feel unwanted, and feel like people don't really want me around. I have always dealt with this. I gave this some consideration, and I think it all boils down to my lack of self esteem. This is something I usually think about and something I have wanted to fix for a long time. I wish it were as easy as it reads here. Perhaps I will struggle with this forever. Perhaps I will always be waiting for my family and friends to leave.
I thought about music alot, not only the way I use it to express myself when I don't know what to say or do, but just music as I have experienced it. You know I love the 80's with a passion, but why does it stop there? Of course there is music I enjoy now, but not to the same level as the music of my early childhood. Could it be that music died with the birth of Seattle grunge? I hated this period of the early and mid 90's. The only exception here is The Smashing Pumpkins. They get the honor of being the ONLY group that I have loved this side of 1989. After grunge died, it was the late 90's that brought back pop. However it was truly gruesome, teenie bopper bullshit that made me want to rip my eyeballs out and eat them. the 2000's have brought us a lot of different stuff. Some of it has been good, some of it has been bad. To me, none of it has been great. How sad.
I am off to my Mom's house for dinner and a movie.
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3 comments:
Hey you,
I really hope everything is going well with your family right now.
That being said, and I know you know this already, but I love you to absolute pieces. I would never want you to go away, and I don't ever want to leave. "Leave" of course meaning get to a point where I couldn't be in contact with you for a long period of time. I would go through withdrawal. I have a very healthy and valued affection for you. So deal with it. :)
I'm glad you have discovered your soundtrack, and that it plays just the right things at just the right times. Music is they rhythm under life and can really open us up to genuinely feel what we might not be able to otherwise. This is, of course, my opinion.
Yes, our music died out with grunge. After that I turned to more low-key acoustic stuff. It was the only thing I could find that had meaning left. What a shame.
Hey There!!!
And dont forget about Mary and I!! We love you too! In fact the house on the other side of us is going up for sale!! I spoke to the lady and she would be happy if she sold much less then the other house on the other side of us sold for. And its a blank canvas for you to do what you like with it.
Mary and I also hope everything is good with your family. We were very concerned when we heard.
So, I talked for a good five minutes before I finally relized that you weren't there...classic cingular commercial material right there. Hope your phone isn't giving you fits again. How was your visit to Eldon? I hope that you had a nice time. Hope all is well, and I will talk to you soon.
Love, Kim
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